How Grateful I Am

To have been placed on a path to God

When I was 14, I was watching a TV show (that was 1956) about a misfit who was obsessed with the question, “What is the meaning of life?” I said to myself, “Yes, that’s it. What IS the meaning of life?” A search for an answer to that question began at that moment.

Finally, at age 30 I found Sri Ramakrishna and the Vedanta Society of New York and there found the answer I was searching for. THE MEANING OF LIFE IS TO REALIZE GOD. I learned that when one realizes God one experiences a bliss far beyond anything ordinary life can provide. One is thoroughly and permanently satisfied. One goes beyond the fear of death. I remember perhaps a month after I came there I said to myself in a moment of self-recognition, “Yes, this is now the meaning of my life. I will tread the path to God-realization no matter how long it takes.”

Thank you, thank you, Swami Vivekanandaji, for bringing Vedanta and Sri Ramakrishna to the West. We are so fortunate that you did. Thank you, Sri Ramakrishna, for sending Swamiji to the West.

It's not that I found life painful. I was born into a middle-class family, and so money was not an issue. I had friends, enjoyed sports, liked girls, and hoped someday to marry and enjoy sex life and have the joy of children. I enjoyed school and assumed that someday I would find a satisfying profession. (All of these things happened). So, everything was there, but I felt a nagging emptiness in anticipation of all these good things that life can offer. I did suffer from feelings of inferiority, but Vedanta eventually fixed that.

I feel so fortunate that I found the meaning of life. It’s not “a” meaning. Many find A meaning that keeps them going, but this, I feel, is THE ultimate meaning.

I may still be a long way from realizing the goal (who knows) but I feel a strong enthusiasm to “keep on truckin’.” I’m fortunate to feel that enthusiasm. I’m fortunate to find myself living at the Vivekananda Retreat, Ridgely where every day I can and do serve God in one way or another not for the sake of praise or money but in order to serve Someone I’m very fond of and hoping that He will bless me with growing love for Him. Do I love Him? I guess yes to some extent. I also come in (to NY City) monthly and do some repairs at the Vedanta Society of NY and help out in other ways that come up. And have holy company there. Another good fortune.

Yes, I’m fortunate to have contact with holy company: The head swamis at the NY Vedanta Society, First Swami Pavitrananda, then Swami Tathagatananda, and currently Swami Sarvapriyananda, the two nuns who run Ridgley, Pravrajikas Gitaprana and Shuddhatmaprana, other monastics in the order who I meet now and then, also very important, a community of other seekers.

How fortunate I am to have received a holy divine name to repeat. I am fortunate that I have working faith in that name and doubly fortunate that I feel the urge to practice japa with that name. I am fortunate that I have a guru, Swami Pavitrananda, now passed away physically, but I feel that he is still watching over me, protecting me, and inspiring me. He told me that he feels himself to be an instrument in God’s hands.

I’m fortunate that I enjoy and treasure the books of the Ramakrishna order. I hardly read anything else anymore. I have no desire anymore to read non-spiritual books. Lately, I’ve also read some inspiring Chassidic books.

I have a faith that remaining on this path, I WILL reach the goal. It may take many lives. That’s OK. I’m actually not eager to be liberated at the moment of death. And death can’t be very far in the future since I’m already 83, but so far enjoying pretty good health. I want to enjoy being “liberated in life” so that may not happen for a while. I want to continue on this path for as long as it takes. Perhaps if my life had been a miserable one, I would feel differently about this. But how can you have a miserable life if one is searching for God and trying to practice surrender to His will? I know in India people are eager for liberation. I don’t feel that way this time around. Also, I’m fortunate that Vedanta has pretty much taken away my fear of death.

I want to experience that intense longing that Sri Ramakrishna compares to the feelings of a thief who KNOWS there is a treasure in the next room. How can he rest? He must get his hands on that treasure. I long for the day when I too will feel this way. Then I will know that just as the rosy dawn signals that the sun will soon rise, that longing will mean that then, with such longing, I will not have much longer to wait.

For previous posts listed in reverse chronological order from most recent to earliest, go to billdavisoframakrishna.substack.com.