Thoughts on Pride

Some ways to subdue it

Swami Pavitrananda: “Our ego sense veils the eternal presence of God.” 

Thus, to see God the ego sense must be subdued.  It seems to me that our ego sense is propped up mainly by three things:    Sense-pleasure (sex pleasure); money (wealth); and praise (fame).  Truly our ego sense doesn’t exist, but we have faith in it and are always seeking ways to make it better – to make it something we can be proud of.  Ramakrishna taught his male disciples to abandon the desire for woman and gold (kamini/kanchan) as well as the desire for name and fame.  It feels like you are feeding the ego sense when you get some sense enjoyment. The ego sense is starving if there is no sense enjoyment.   One needs money to survive and there is a certain sense of ego satisfaction if one can provide for oneself.  This satisfaction is greater if one can get enough to live in a luxurious way or even beyond that with great wealth.  Thus, having lots of money engenders great pride.  If a woman has many men running after her, she will probably feel a sense of pride.  Or vice versa.  So much of our social life is protecting the self-esteem of others (and our own self-esteem).  It's called “tact” or social skills.  I remember when I was in 7^th grade, I had a friend whose mother hung on the kitchen wall the following saying: “Tact is the knack of letting other people have your own way.”  In other words, you have totally buttered them up and they, having been seduced by this, without another thought, do what you want them to do.  How calculating and manipulative.

There was a period when I was working in a substance abuse clinic and was teaching “social skills.”  The handbook I was using had a section on the way to successfully give criticism.  It was called a “criticism sandwich.”  It has three parts:  The first part is some praise about the person, the second part is the criticism, and the third part is more praise.  This is supposed to help make the criticsm easier to hear since the person’s ego sense has been largely protected.

We are constantly feeding each other praise.  It’s a kind of compact.  “I’ll praise you and you’ll praise me.”  “I’ll scratch your back and you’ll scratch mine.”  And no doubt we are often pleased with one another and are happy to let the other know.  We tactfully hide our displeasure when it occurs.  And this compact keeps us bound to the ego sense which veils the eternal presence of God.  We would be actually doing a person a favor by withholding praise and not withholding displeasure.  This sounds harsh, doesn’t it?  However, a person could only perceive it as a favor if that person is trying his or her utmost to subdue the ego-sense.  All others would be offended.  Perhaps this would work in the environment of a monastery or convent.  Here’s a wonderful true story about this:  Saint Martin de Porres was the illegitimate son of a Spanish nobleman and a free black woman in Lima, Peru during the colonial era.  He joined a monastery and was doing his utmost to strengthen his humility.  If a fellow monk got angry at him and cursed him, calling him a “black cur,” he would respond, “Yes, I am a black cur.  You have spoken the truth.”  Then he would bring that man some food treat by way of thanks.  How many of us could act in this way?

Otherwise, we, on the spiritual path, are instructed (in the Chaitanya prayer) to “take no honor to ourselves, give honor to all.”  As Holy Mother said, “Don’t find fault with others.  See your own faults.  No one is a stranger.  Make everyone your own.”  Finding faults in others is a way to prop up the ego-sense.   One imagines that one is superior.  However, regarding faults, Thomas a Kempis has a wonderful saying, “Strive your utmost to overcome in yourself those things that you find most displeasing in others.”  Thus, we should be kind and find good things to say about others.  Pray for the happiness of others – even those who offend you.

However, the antidote to pride is not self-hate.  One should ideally feel a sense of confidence that one can realize God.  One is on the path.  Why should one not be able to succeed if one keeps at it with sincerity?  Keep on truckin’.  Rather than pride, ideally one should feel fortunate.  Not: “I am a superior person because I’m on a spiritual path.”  But “I am very fortunate that God has placed me on the path to Him.”  Or for non-dualists, “I am fortunate that the absolute Self is awakening within me thus helping me to realize my real Self.”

Whenever one accomplishes something good, instead of feeling proud, one should feel grateful that by God’s grace, the feat was accomplished.  Without His grace, it would have been impossible.  From where do bright ideas come?  We like to take credit for them but that’s the hungry “I” talking.    Again, from where does that energy come that enables each of us to complete the task?  Shakti.  Sri Ramakrishna says, “I am a machine.  Thou O Lord operate the machine.”  On the other hand, we shouldn’t feel shame if we mess up.  It wasn’t God’s will that it be accomplished.  We can learn from our mistakes and do it better next time by God’s will.  It may be that as we age, we lose some of our skills (as is happening with me).  One must accept this. 

Sri Ramakrishna taught, “Sha, sha, sha.”  The three s’s of the Bengali alphabet that he said meant, “forbear, forbear, forbear.”  Thus, when one is insulted, instead of retaliating with a tongue-lashing of the person insulting you to protect one’s self-esteem, forbear, forbear, forbear.